A Mother's Cry

Death is non-negotiable. Unless you have experienced your child dying from murder you will never understand my grief.  It has been two years since Francesca’s death. (April 9, 2020). At times my heart feels so empty. I asked myself how can my heart be empty and at the same time be so full.  Full of hurt, grief, and mixed emotions. If you put my heart under a microscope there would be a million holes in it. Sometimes the pain is excruciating. Grief controls, it dictates when, where, and how it’s going to come your way. Somedays it’s easier to handle than others. There are times and days that I feel like making progress then grief shows up as a process that must take place and I have no control but to allow it. It’s hard to think that her address is at the graveyard, the end of life here. I know that I will see her again. I have to make peace with the way my daughter died. She was shot twice in her heart. At the time of her death, she was pregnant. She didn’t get an opportunity to experience motherhood.  

 

I would have fainted unless I believed in the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Fainting does not always mean losing consciousness but fainting in my heart, fainting in my belief, fainting in the word, fainting in the ministry God has chosen me to fulfill. I would have drowned in depression; I would have tried to numb my pain using drugs or alcohol. If it had not been for the Lord on my side the enemy would have swallowed me up. The Lord is with me always in good times and bad.

 

Life is so unpredictable. As little girls, we dream of making plans and putting timelines on accomplishing different milestones/events in our lives. We make our own blueprint of our life, of our life’s expectations, but somehow, we forget to pencil in death.  Isaiah 55:8 says- “God’s plans are not our plans, his thoughts are not our thoughts, neither are his ways my ways” saith the Lord.  God has the last word. This day was not on Francesca’s timeline, it was not on my timeline. This was apparently on God’s timeline; he knows everything that happens in our lives.  

 

Ecclesiastes 3:1-2, To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under the heaven; a time to be born, and a time to die, a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted. Death, sickness, and sorrow can come.  1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 – In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God concerning you. Lord, I don't understand the plans you have for me, how will Fran's death help me, but I trust you, Lord. Proverbs 3:5-6 -Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths.

 

When it looks unfair, I trust you, Lord. You are the one sure thing in my life Lord. Thank you, Lord. Thank you for trusting me, Lord. I love you, Lord.  I am determined that Francesca's death will not be in vain, her memory will not be forgotten. I will not allow grief to control me, define me, or destroy my life. I can't change what happened to my daughter, but I am determined to be her voice. I had a dream of the groundbreaking and a microphone coming up out of the ground.  I wrote down to "Cry Loud and Spare Not." I am determined that there will be beauty for ashes. I also wrote down "not in vain". Francesca's death will not be in vain. I am determined that through her death many women will live.

 

In my dream, I was weeping for women. Weeping for Franny and how her life was taken.  Weeping because she settled for less. Weeping because Franny didn't know her worth.  Weeping for her murderer.  Weeping for the women who are suffering in silence.  Weeping for the women who have never felt a mother’s love, a father’s love, or just love.  Weeping for the women who have never been validated.  Weeping for the abused young women who don’t realize their worth or their value.  Weeping for the older lady who has been emotionally, physically, and mentally abused for so long until it’s a natural part of life for her.  Weeping for the woman who feels stuck and can’t get out of her situation, feels as though she is not worthy of better, that it’s a curse to dream.  Weeping for the woman who has been so belittled, talked down to, called out of her name, made to believe nobody else wants her.  Weeping because her self-esteem is so low that she accepts anything.  Weeping for the women whose long-term goal is to just make it through the day, through the night, and live.  Weeping for the women who are suffering from mental illness.  Weeping for the women who are battling addictions that are causing them to live in environments and conditions that they are not accustomed to.  Weeping for the woman who has nowhere to flee and feels that God has let her down.  Weeping for the suicidal woman.  Weeping for the woman who has lost her desire to function, she’s oppressed and depressed.  Grieving is so broad, I’m weeping for me today, weeping for all I missed out on in my childhood, weeping about my rejections, weeping about my heart being broken. Today, I’m weeping for my mother, I’m weeping for the time I didn’t spend with my mother.  I regret that I allowed pride, people, and my hard heart to not fight to have the relationship I desired. Grief makes you stop, think, and really analyze your life, the could haves and should haves; the did not, the why not, and the regrets.  

 

Franny’s death has really impacted my life in many ways, in my thinking, in every area of my life. This has been a traumatic experience for me. There are times I feel helpless, weak, and alone but always thankful.  I asked myself many times where do I go from here?  How do I channel this experience into something positive or good? What is good or positive about being murdered? I feel as though I’ve been pulled and stretched until I feel completely out of shape. What to do next?  My conclusion is to be the older woman in Titus 2, to teach the younger women, to know their worth, to love themselves, to have standards and to not settle for less, to build up confidence, self-esteem and pray, to pray about everything. 

 

Allow this website to be a tool for testimonies, prayer, and resources.  If you are reading this it is not by accident, I believe and I know God has a special purpose and a special plan for you, for your life. God’s plans are for you to succeed and not to fail, his plans are for you to be the head and not the tail, above and not beneath.  If you’re in an abusive relationship, Cry Loud, don’t spare your abuser, Speak up!